Operate Honestly

Honesty is vital to the success of any relationship. It is a requirement for trust and love.



Let's talk for a moment about what honesty is not. Honesty is not an excuse or rationale to be mean. Let's be clear on that. Honesty does not mean blurting out every thought or feeling you have in the moment you have them. You still need to think before you speak. Is what you are about to say necessary? Why? What are the consequences of speaking or not speaking these particular words? Read some Byron Katie and figure out if this is really for and about you.



Honesty means you are being your authentic self. You are operating from a place that lets you trust and be trusted; that lets you love and be loved fully.

Manage Expectations

Stop and consider what you expect your life as a married couple will entail. What will it look like? What is important to you about this vision and why?


"Feeling" versus "having" requires that feelings come first. Throw away what you will not manifest.





Ask the tough questions then check in to see if they are changing.


What do you agree on? There are some major areas - like children, religion, values, money- within which way too many arguments can stem. Will you have separate funds? How will you split your expenses? What is fair in your minds?





Then there are the seemingly minimal questions that are just as important to your happiness that you don't likely ask. What does a clean house look like to you? Does it include piling your shoes neatly under the table? Because it certainly does not for me! Will toilet paper roll over or under? How do you feel about dust?






Talk without being all judgmental... watch your tone. Discuss what is important to you and why. See if middlegrounds exist for the two of you. They may not.





Bottom line, if you have a hang up, it is on you to manage it. Don’t expect your partner to get on board with what is important to you in these minor situations. Don’t resent that you can’t change the individual you love.

Fix Your Shit

Look around you at the successful people you know. They are generally not successful by accident. They've done the work. Marriage is no different. But marriage requires two individuals doing the work. One person's efforts does not a successful marriage make.




That's not to say that you don't support one another as needed. It means you are both doing the best you can at that moment and that you have committed to grow.




The struggle is real. Struggle against your programming - everything you grew up thinking was right, but know now to be toxic

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We've never done couples therapy, but we've done therapy. We realized after contemplating divorce that it was not the relationship that was wrong, it was what we were both bringing to the relationship that was messed up. We realized that we'd have the same baggage to unpack as individuals before we could have a successful relationship with anyone else. so why not try together. Inertia works in times of crisis. We stayed married, and went to individual therapists to work on being better human beings. Better human beings = better partners.

Exploit Your Strengths

The day before our wedding back in 1996, my soon to be father-in-law took the two of us on a walk to discuss the merits of calling off our wedding. It was a fun walk where truths came out and lines were drawn. One of the statements he made, erroneously thinking he was being clever and making a point in his favor was that we complemented each other - "with an e." He was right, we could see where we filled in each other's gaps, added strengths to each other. His pithy comment became the foundation for how we approached our relationship going forward. We got hardcore with this logic. We realized two things: 1.) we were genuinely better together than apart and 2.) we needed to exploit the fuck out of our strengths.




What does exploiting strengths mean? Marriage requires a separation of duties and responsibilities. Think of this side as a business partnership. Together you are running a household. There are decisions to be made. Who will manage the bills? Who will do the laundry? Who will be the primary person to schedule doctors appointments for the kids? None of these sorts of decisions should be dictated by the stereotypical gender roles. Look at the actual skills and pain points. Who is best suited for what role? Why?




Responsibilities become pain points, ripe for building resentment around. Being strategic about who does what and why can mitigate these duties becoming targets for resentment.

Crisis Time

Tough times don't last. Tough people do. There will be times that suck. Life includes pain and heartbreak if you are living your fullest lives.


ACT UP: Acknowledge the suck - don't brush aside pain/feelings; Continue to love and live - this may mean forgiving; Take responsibility for what is yours; Use your resources to get through; Process so you can proceed.


Acknowledge the suck. Accept that something is going on and it is not what you would want. It is okay to cry, scream, rant at the situation. Don’t diminish anyone’s pain and suffering, especially not your own. Lean in to the suck. Don't try to brush it away or avoid it.


Continue to live and love. Yes, you may want to curl up in a little ball, hoping it will all be different in the morning. Unfortunately, this is real life and you have bills to pay. The sun continues to rise and set and so must you!


Take responsibility for what is yours but only what is yours. You don’t need to play the hero and fix everything. Do consider what you are responsible for and show up for that.


Use your resources to get through this tough time. You need a shoulder to cry on? Find that shoulder. You need your friends and family to step up and help? Ask them. In times of crisis, there are people who want to help, but they also want to give you space. You need to reach out and ask for what you need when you need it. If you don’t have a community behind you or you need specialized assistance, find a professional. Your primary physician can recommend a good therapist and prescribe you short term drugs to get you through your first appointment.


Process so you can proceed. Once the crisis is over, take the time to reflect upon what happened, why did it happen, what were the contributing factors, what (if anything) can be done reasonably to prevent it from happening again, and what have you learned from the experience.

Premise

Over a lifetime, you’ll see relationships come and go; marriages and friendships fizzle or implode. Why do some last while others do not? Everyone seems to start off with the same intentions, passions and affections.  Why do these feelings change and, in some cases, drastically? What are the common factors of success and failure?  

Humans love formulas. We are emotional creatures that love logic and to pretend to be rational. We want explanations and task-lists. We want to know what choices to make for success and have clearly defined lists of what to avoid in order not to fail.  This blog presents such a list.

After a quarter of a century together, my spouse and I have faced tragedy, loss, addiction, failure and crises of health. We're two broken, imperfect people with a happy, healthy marriage.  There's been nothing magic about our marriage. We've done the work to move from surviving to thriving. And you can too. Success in a marriage comes down to 6 basic principles, which this blog will explore:

1. Exploit your strengths
2. Manage expectations
3. Fix your shit
4. Individuate
5. Operate honestly 
6. Respect boundaries